I went to a psychic recently. He said, "What's your name?" I said, "Man, you're a fraud."
I had to sell my "bandwagon." Everyone kept "jumping" on.
Q. What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A. Snowflakes.
A. Snowflakes.
Most women want a guy who is sensitive, caring, and good-looking. Unfortunately, for women, most of these guys already have boyfriends.
Q. Why did the sheep get a ticket for walking down the road?
A. She made an illegal "ewe-turn."
A. She made an illegal "ewe-turn."
SHIN-Bone in lower leg used to locate furniture in dark rooms.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
Q. What was Helen Keller's favorite mouthwash?
A. Jergens lotion.
A. Jergens lotion.
Q. What's a boxer's favorite drink?
A. Punch.
A. Punch.
I was arrested at Walmart for stealing "board games." I took one "risk" too many.
It doesn't matter if you win or lose. What matters is if I win or lose.
What does "Bugs Bunny" carry for luck?
What does "Bugs Bunny" carry for luck?
My girlfriend broke up with me, so I stole her wheelchair. I knew she would come crawling back to me.
I'm so poor that my wife can't afford batteries. She has to have sex with me.
The cleaning lady is really mad at me. She wants a divorce.
My wife was so furious at me for stealing her clothes that I nearly crapped in "her" panties.
No child throws up in the bathroom.
What did they call "electric eels" before electricity?
"Dammit I'm Mad" spelled backwards is "Dammit I'm Mad."
Items loaned or borrowed bound to break.
I looked up from my bed and said "what a beautiful full moon." Then I said, "Where is my damn roof?"
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
A. A prostitute stops screwing you after you're dead.
A. A prostitute stops screwing you after you're dead.
I bought a "non-stick" frying pan. I can't get the damn label off.
I asked my date if she was going to "hate herself in the morning?" "No," she said. I hate myself now."
I started a business selling boats out of my attic. Sails are through the roof.
Does "deviled ham" come from evil pigs?
Hiring Manager: "You wrote on your job application that honesty is your biggest weakness. I don't think honesty is a weakness."
Job Applicant: "I don't give a crap about what you think."
Job Applicant: "I don't give a crap about what you think."
A toilet walks into a bar. "Hey, buddy," the bartender says, "have a drink on me. You looked flushed."
Q. What's the difference between a French kiss and an Australian kiss?
A. One is given "down under."
A. One is given "down under."
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Q. Why is a beer better than a wife?
A. Beer doesn't say "take out the garbage."
A. Beer doesn't say "take out the garbage."
My wife left me because of my insecurity. No wait, she just went to get the mail.
A small bucket walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, buddy, have a shot of whiskey on me. You look like you're a little pale.
Q. Did you hear about the mummy that went on a vacation?
A. He wanted to relax and unwind.
A. He wanted to relax and unwind.
I went to the zoo and saw a loaf of bread in a cage. The zookeeper said it was "bread in captivity."
I'm so poor that I robbed Peter, than Paul.
Talk is cheap until the moment you hire a lawyer.
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